One of the things that I love to teach to people who have any relationship with any other human beings ever is what is called “Emotion Expression,” AKA “‘I’ Statements.”
You have probably seen this model before. Sometimes it is laid out a little differently, but this order is my favorite because it starts with “Most true,” goes to “True as long as one’s perception is correct” and ends with “Maybe true but maybe not true.” So while the narrative (most suspect) at the bottom has a direct impact on the emotion(s) felt at the top, the emotions themselves are absolutely true and valid, and that’s a great way to start a discussion that can be kind of vulnerable.
So here is where the grammar lesson comes in: sometimes we cheat by putting in the Emotion space something that seems like an emotion but is actually a Past Participle. Yes, the verb. The thing about past participles is that most of them aren’t emotions at all, they are sneaky, one-word narratives. Let me give you an example:
Correct: I feel sad and lonely (absolutely true and valid) when you didn’t return my calls (a verifiable fact) because I think that you ignored me (an interpretation of the behavior — maybe true, maybe not).
versus
I feel ignored (um, that’s an interpretation, might very well be inaccurate) when you didn’t return my calls…
In the example above, what was really said was “I feel (think/imagine) that you ignored me.” That’s not an I-statement, that’s a sneaky You-statement. It weakens the expression of emotions because at no point was any real emotion mentioned, just pure accusation and narrative.
Consider some words that you typically use for difficult emotions, and look for the past participles. (Not all past participles will be cheaters!) You can tell that they are troublesome words when you can expand them to a whole sentence of “You past-tense-verbed me.” There are a lot of them. They are fine in other conversations, but where you want to be the most clear, connected, and heard, put them where they belong at the bottom of the emotion expression sentence, and find clear and accurate words to describe your real emotions.
_______
In Part 2, we’ll talk about the most toxic past participle that we can use in lieu of real emotions — “disappointed.”